I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
