I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
