Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
