I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
