I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
