You made me cry and you don't even care
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
