I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
