p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
