I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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