so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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