My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
