it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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