My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
