dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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