1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
