if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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