He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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