If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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