Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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