Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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