When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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