I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
