so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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