I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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