Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
