PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
