you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
