Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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