I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
