Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
