I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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