My sheets look like a crime scene.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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