the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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