I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
