Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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