At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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