Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
