my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
