I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
