How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
