Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
