quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
