In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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