so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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