How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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