It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I touched a dick in church today
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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