The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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