Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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