We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
