I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
