Your face is a jimmy john
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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