umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
