I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
