It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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