Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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