life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
