i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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