i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
