Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize