I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
