You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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