i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
