I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
